*I feel like I needed to share this experience. I really did not want to because it is deeply personal and precious to me.*
The day was normal as could be with a predictable routine. The only difference being a weighty heaviness in my heart. I looked forward to Amelia's nap time so I could get alone with the Lord. I wasn't sure if it was a burden for intercession on someone else's behalf. I just knew I needed to run to God.
Amelia was finally sound asleep so I made my way to the hammock outside. I couldn't even recline. I was barely sitting as a swing when the tears hit. It was if a dam had burst from somewhere deep inside. My cheeks were drowning in the steady, symmetrical streams of tears. A whirlpool began to stir in my heart. It created such a strong gravity it was pulling my soul into it's depths like a black hole. I couldn't form words or pray in the Spirit. There were only groans. I was overcome by a hunger for the heart of Father God. Not Jesus, not the throne, not even Holy Spirit. I knew I needed the Father's heart! I didn't want the blessing of His hand or the gaze from His eyes. Only His heart would satisfy. The one thing I can compare these deep hunger pains to was almost 10 years ago while I was grieving the loss of my earthly father. Deep waves of emotion would crash in on my physical body reducing me to a fetal position as life tugged on my soul. That was a grieving for something I couldn't have. This, this was a longing for something I knew was my right because of what Jesus did.
I don't know what happened to trigger this scenario. I was just there. My spirit WOULD NOT be denied. The overpowering feelings were a shock to myself. I am normally reserved, finding it almost impossible to demand my own way or rights. My heart by nature is submissive. I've never had a roar, just a meek meow. I was beside myself. Each hunger pain was a bang on the door of Heaven; a labor pain hitting hard and strong. My spirit was relentless. It wasn't as if Father God was ignoring me. I knew He is omniscient. Yet, I had the feeling most who seek Him are happy enough with the power of His throne room. Few know or even desire to go deeper to His heart. It was then I clearly saw myself grab the center of His breastbone and forcefully swing His ribcage open like intricate French doors. Launching myself I landed with my head on the center of His heart, burring my face in it, and wrapping my arms tightly around it. His heart was a deep crimson, velvet, down filled pillow. I felt Him almost recoil in shock that I was there but then quickly wrap His arms around me. I could physically feel the warmth of His presence. I sobbed like a toddler catching their breath after a tantrum; short inhaling bursts. In all of existence I knew I was holding the one thing in life or eternity that truly mattered and He was holding me.
I am a very blessed person. I truly love my husband, daughter, family, and friends. Even Jesus said our love for Him and the Father should make every other love seem like hate in comparison.
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26
I cannot take credit for this experience. It was a gift. I am not able to give you a formula to duplicate it. All I did was take time to make myself available for God and be sensitive to His Spirit. What I do know is this place in His heart EXISTS. If you break through to it, He will embrace you, not reject you. It is His most treasured possession. It is THE greatest treasure of all. It is securely guarded but not impenetrable. Deep desire is the only key.
"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me." Psalms 42:7
I am a very blessed person. I truly love my husband, daughter, family, and friends. Even Jesus said our love for Him and the Father should make every other love seem like hate in comparison.
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26
I cannot take credit for this experience. It was a gift. I am not able to give you a formula to duplicate it. All I did was take time to make myself available for God and be sensitive to His Spirit. What I do know is this place in His heart EXISTS. If you break through to it, He will embrace you, not reject you. It is His most treasured possession. It is THE greatest treasure of all. It is securely guarded but not impenetrable. Deep desire is the only key.
"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me." Psalms 42:7
